Characters:

Frank

Erica

Freddie

Mrs. Arthur

Bill

Young Lady/ Her Ghost

Gayle/ Her Ghost

Act 1 Scene 1.

Scene opens showing a deserted street next to two houses with papers, rubbish, dirt all over. An overflowing trash can is at the side. A “Missing Person: Rewarding Eternal Peace if found” poster is on one of the walls. An old lady, Gayle, is sweeping the rubbish off her doorstep with a broom and onto her neighbor’s. A man, Frank, walks into the scene smoking a cigarette and stops to read the “Missing Person” poster.

Gayle: They never pay up. Don’t even bother.

She opens her house door and goes inside it carrying the broom. She closes the door behind her. The door of another apartment block opens and a young lady, Erica, steps out of it carrying an identical broom. She proceeds to start sweeping all the rubbish on her doorstep to Gayle’s doorstep.

Frank: Eternal peace.

Erica: Can’t afford to give them anything more. Finishes sweeping the rubbish onto Gayle’s doorstep and picks up a watering can to water the dead flowers in a flowerpot. What’s a man like you doing on a street like this anyway? If you’re a spy, you’re not very undercover you know.

Frank: I’m not a spy Holds out his hand for a handshake

Erica: Puts water can down and shakes his hand awkwardly Erica Black. You’re odd.

Frank: No, I’m Frank. That’s what my friends call me.

Erica: You’re friends call you odd?

Frank: Sometimes.

Short pause. Erica removes her hand and continues watering the flowers. Frank sits down on the steps of Erica’s apartment block. She puts down the watering can and sits down beside him.

Erica: What do you do for a living, Frank?

Frank: I’m a writer. I used to sell hundreds of books back in the deep south. Now, my mother and I make use of what little I earn from writing the occasional newspaper column and monthly magazine. I hoped moving here would give us better odds.

Erica: Scoffs Better odds.

Frank: A real-estate agent promised us a good deal on an apartment. He was supposed to meet me here. I guess I’m early.

Erica laughs loudly

Frank: Laughs along. What's so funny?

Erica: And I thought no one would actually want to live here! Wipes a tear You are odd.

Frank: But what’s wrong with here? This seems like a nice place.

Erica: I don’t think you are mentally stable. Besides, everyone who lives here is insane anyway… you will fit right in.

Frank: What do you mean?

Erica: OCD spreads like the flu. We have vaccinations for the seasonal demonic possession. The rector from that block would treat them Nods towards right side of stage but who exorcises the exorcist? He was one of the longest lasting. Died about five months after he started speaking backwards.

Frank: I'm, a Pentecostal.

Erica: Keep telling yourself that, Mr. Frank, and you'll be just fine.

A short pause.

Frank: Well, what’s your life story?

Erica: I grew up in this house with my father, who is currently, Looks around missing. My mother never said a word to me, she died when I was five, and I don’t have any siblings. I sell my flowers for a living. My cousin Freddie lives here with us and he pays the rent.

Frank takes a look at the dead flowers and turns back.

Frank: How come your mother never said a word to you?

Erica: She doesn’t speak.

Frank: Oh…well that’s sad, I have a cousin who has the same problem.

Erica: Oh no, it’s not that. She can speak, she just doesn’t want to.

Frank: Oh.

A brightly dressed man flounces into the scene from the right side of the stage. He comes to Erica and kisses her hand.

Freddie: Mademoiselle! Why art thou so fair?

Erica: Stand up and takes back her hand I… I don’t know.

Freddie: And you are Mister….Frank Arthur?

Frank: Stands up Are you the Real Estate agent.

Freddie: Estate agent, yes. Real, I really I don’t know. Walks over and examines the dead flowers.

Erica: To Frank He thinks he’s a ghost.

Frank: Why?

Erica: Too much time at the theatre.

The door in the apartment block beside Erica’s opens and Gayle steps out clutching her chest.

Freddie: At Gayle. BOO!

Gayle: My poor heart! Faints

Frank and Erica turn to look at Gayle’s fainted form, and then turn to each other again. Freddie removes his coat and puts in on one of the steps, and bends down to examine the dead flowers further. Frank shakes his head and walks over to Freddie.

Frank: About the house we talked about....

Freddie: Straightens up The one you were to move in once the original owner was deceased? That would be…looks around…this one. Points to Gayle’s house. Frank and him stare at Gayle’s dead body Well what do you know, you can move in now! Claps hands together and says quickly Now about the mortgage bill, since there weren’t many complications it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. You just need to buy the land and wonderful, you’re done. I’ll get my helper to put the bill in your mailbox today evening, pay me in the morning and the house is yours!

Frank: Stutters B-but what about the body?

Freddie: What body?

Frank points to Gayle.

Freddie: Walks over to Gayle and nudges her with his feet. Oh, this body.

Frank nods.

Freddie: Thinks for a while Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of the great…Gayle Hempsworth who has helped many of through thick and thin. She will be dearly missed by all who knew her. Amen. There, now she can rest in peace.

Erica starts crying

Frank: But, I don’t want to look at her resting in peace.

Freddie thinks for a while. He walks over to his coat, picks it up, and lays it over Gayle’s body. Then looks back at Frank.

Frank: That hardly helped.

Freddie: Well fine. Bends over to pick the coat up.

Frank: Stops him No, just…just leave it there.

Freddie: If there is anything else. I’ll be off now.

Frank: Yes, that would be just fine.

Freddie: Au revoir. Takes Erica’s hand and makes to kiss it. She is still crying so he hesitates and lets her hand fall, and nods to her instead. Mademoiselle.

Frank stares after him as he goes off the stage. Frank exits and Erica goes back into her house still sobbing. She blows her nose loudly and closes the door.The lights dim and brighten again to show time elapsing. It is the next day.

Act 1 Scene 2.

The scene opens on the same street as Scene 1. Erica and Freddie are looking out of her window as Frank is helping an old lady out of a car. There are bags and briefcases on the pavement. Frank and his mother, Mrs. Arthur, are moving into Gayle’s house.

Frank: Careful mother.

Mrs. Arthur: I can do it by myself, boy.

Mrs. Arthur whacks Frank with her walking stick and hobbles down the driveway into the house. Frank picks up all the bags he can and hurries in after her. The car moves off, out of the scene leaving one lone briefcase behind on the stage. Freddie and Erica come out of the other house and start searching the briefcase.

Erica: Throws aside a shirt. Where do you think Mr. Arthur is?

Freddie: Only Mr. Arthur will know.

Erica: It’s not as if we ever find anything worth selling you know.

Freddie: Throws aside a jacket. That’s not the point. The point is to find out more about the person who is moving in. We do this every time a new actor comes to the theatre.

Both of them stop searching and stare at the bottom of the briefcase in shock.

Erica: Well. I know how to act towards him now.

Frank comes out of the house. Freddie starts filling the briefcase back up again quickly to disguise the fact that he and Erica were just searching it. Erica walks towards Frank and slaps him on the face, before stomping back to her house Frank puts his hand over the place where she had slapped him.

Frank: Why?

Freddie puts everything back into the briefcase and closes the lid, before dusting his hands in disgust, walking towards Frank and slapping him on the face as well. Freddie then walks over to Erica’s house and knocks on the door. Erica opens the door and slaps him on the face, before shutting it loudly. Freddie storms out of the scene. Erica opens the door and throws Freddie’s coat and hat out of her house.

Freddie comes back into the scene to get them. Freddie gets his hat and coat from the floor and stands straight, looking haughtily at Frank.

Freddie: Solemnly Why in all my years…

Freddie storms back out of the scene. Frank picks up the briefcase and opens it, looking in its depths, confused. He turns it upside down so its contents, men’s clothes, fall out. Last of all is a lacy red dress with long puffy sleeves and white lace embellishments. He looks at it, confused, and then picks it up to examine it. Erica steps out of her house, they look at each other, and she storms back in, slamming the door. Mrs. Arthur comes out of her house and walks to Frank speaking at the same time.

Mrs. Arthur: Frank, why on earth do we have a leaky ceiling on our bathroom? We have barely moved in two days and already the place is crumbling. Looks at the dress Oh that must be mine Snatches the dress from Frank I put it in your suitcase since there was hardly any space in my own. Thank you, dear.

Mrs. Arthur leaves the scene with the dress. Frank stays behind to pick up all his clothes, and his briefcase, before casting one last glance at Erica’s house and going into his own. The lights dim and the scene ends.

Act 2 Scene 1.

The Scene opens showing a well furnished room, with a fireplace at one end, a mantelpiece on top with photo frames, a rug and a dining table with six matching chairs. The table is filled with food and Freddie is lighting the candles on the table. Erica comes into the scene bringing a giant roast chicken and setting it in the middle of the table.

Freddie: Please remind me why you want to do this?

Erica: We are doing this to welcome the new neighbors.

Freddie: Ah…you mean, Frank.

Erica: Glares at Freddie Think what you want Frederick Blacksblood the Second, but I would never want to welcome that man even if he were the last person on earth. Emphasis on “On Earth”

Freddie: In a sing song voice If you say so, my lady.

The doorbell rings. Erica walks over and opens the door. Mrs. Arthur and Frank are standing outside. Freddie flounces over to Mrs. Arthur and kisses her hand.

Freddie: Mademoiselle! Why art thou so fair?

Mrs. Arthur: Blushes Oh, it must be the lighting.

Frank: Hello, Freddie.

Erica comes forth to stand beside Freddie. Freddie straightens and tenses up.

Freddie: Greetings, Frank. Turns to Mrs. Arthur and smiles. May I have the honor of taking your coat, Mrs. Arthur?

Mrs. Arthur: Why yes. To Erica. He is a handsome young man.

Erica: He knows.

Frank takes off his coat and holds it up, expecting Erica to take it from his. Erica stiffens.

Frank: Thank you for inviting me, Erica.

Erica: Stiffens. I invited your mother. She brought you along, crossdresser.

Franks looks shocks and retorts back.

Frank: I am not-!

Mrs. Arthur: Interrupting Now don’t cause a scene, boy.

Erica turns, walks to the table, and sits down. Frank violently puts his coat over where his mother’s lies on the mantelpiece, before following her behind and takes a seat. Freddie pulls out the chair for Mrs. Arthur and helps her into her seat. He takes his own. The doorbell rings again. Erica rises.

Erica: I’ll get it.

Freddie holds out both his hands.

Freddie: And now, we say praise.

Frank and Mrs. Arthur join their hands with his. Erica opens the door and a young lady and an old man are standing outside. Erica exclaims from the door.

Erica: Good lord!

Freddie: That will do. Takes his hands back and reaches for a piece of bread.

Erica: Dad!

Young Lady: I found this poor dear wandering around the park. And then I remembered the poster outside the building. Is he yours?

Mrs. Arthur: Looks towards the door Bill!

Frank: Looks towards the door Bill?

Freddie: Looks towards the door. Join us!

The young lady walks towards the table. She sits down and starts eating. Gayle’s ghost comes into the scene. Mrs. Arthur looks at Gayle’s ghost and exclaims.

Mrs. Arthur: My poor heart! Faints.

Bill: Elena! Runs over to Elena

Frank: Mother!

Freddie: To the young lady. Pass the gravy.

The young lady passes the gravy. Erica closes the door and runs to tend to Mrs. Arthur. Gayle’s ghost walks over to Freddie.

Gayle’s ghost: You! I want my revenge!

Freddie: Mademoiselle! Why art thou so fair?

Gayle’s ghost: I’m dead!

Freddie: Do the dead eat?

Gayle’s ghost: Sometimes.

Freddie: Then join us!

Gayle’s ghost shrugs and sits down in Mrs. Arthur’s place. She takes a piece of bread and starts eating. Mrs. Arthur comes back up.

Mrs. Arthur: After all these years…

Bill: To see my sister again.

Frank: Your sister? Mother, you never told me you had a brother.

Mrs. Arthur: I thought you were dead…

Bill: So did the doctors. They buried me. But technically I was alive so of course I could get out of the coffin. I didn’t know the way home. I guess, I made a new life for myself when Angelica came along and we married. I’ve been living apart from my sister all these years.

Erica: Well, if you’re my dad, and you’re his sister…then Mrs. Arthur, you’re my aunt?

Mrs. Arthur nods.

Erica: Turns to Frank And we are, cousins?

Frank: Well, I think we are.

Erica: I’m overwhelmed.

Erica stands up and walks to the chair beside Freddie. Freddie hands her a chicken leg and she starts eating. Mrs. Arthur moves and sits as far away from Gayle’s ghost as she possibly can. Bill takes his place at the table and starts piling food on his plate. Frank stays where he is, in shock.

Young Lady: There was something about a reward...eternal peace? How am I supposed to get it?

Freddie: Have you sinned?

Young Lady: Nothing too horrible.

Freddie picks up a carving knife from the table and stabs her in the chest. She falls on the floor, dead. Five second pause when all the characters stare at her. The young lady gets up from the floor again as a ghost. She clumsily sits back down on the table.

Gayle’s ghost: It takes a bit of getting used to, once you’re a ghost.

The young lady nods. She picks up her fork and starts eating again. The scene ends.

Act 2 Scene 2

The scene opens at the same table, only all the food has been eaten. There are bones all over the table. Freddie picks up the leftovers on the table bone by bone, and puts them in a trash bag one by one. Frank is at the mantelpiece looking at family photos. Erica is bringing the plates out of the room and coming back for more. The Young lady’s ghost is speaking to Gayle’s Ghost.

Young Lady: I think I will leave now. I have to show my new self to my fiancé.

Gayle’s ghost: Go joyfully, dear!

The young lady’s ghost skips towards the door, bumps into it and falls down.

Gayle’s Ghost: Not that joyfully, dear. We’re still a tiny bit solid.

The young lady’s ghost nods and opens the door, before going out. Gayle's ghost helps Erica with the dishes. Mrs. Arthur and Bill enter the stage from opposite ends and bump into one another. Arthur has his back turned to the audience and is looking at family pictures.

Mrs. Arthur: Open your eyes when you walk!

Bill: Gets angry Maybe if your eyes weren't painted shut you could look at where you were going!

Mrs. Arthur: Yells Maybe if you has a bit of brains in you, you would know where you were going.

Bill: Falters Garbage! You're spewing garbage out of your mouth!

Freddie: Holds up trash-bag Did somebody say garbage?

Erica enters the scene.

Erica: Stop it! Both of you. I can hear you all the way from the kitchen

Freddie: I didn't say anything!

Erica: Not you, Freddie!

Mrs. Arthur: Menacingly Bill, you are childish, and brainless

Bill: Well, that sounds more like you, Elena!

Yells and screams are heard from the outside. Freddie drops his trash-bag and curiously runs to the window to look out.

Erica: Mrs. Arthur, Aunt, Dad, please, this is a quiet neighborhood.

Freddie: Screaming loudly out the window YES! YES YOU SHOW THEM, THEY DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT US! Erica look, they're playing baseball again!

Erica stares for a while. A two second pause. She runs over to the window and starts shaking her fist to the outside.

Erica: LET THEM KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!!!

Erica and Freddie continue to stare outside the window while Frank puts down a photo frame he is holding and walks towards Mrs. Arthur and Bill.

Frank: Mother, I think I would like to leave now.

Mrs. Arthur: And I will come along.

Mrs. Arthur and Frank make to exit the house through the door. Mrs. Arthur trips, falls, and drops her walking stick. The head of the walking stick snaps open and a note falls out of it. Frank bends over Mrs. Arthur, while Bill moves forward and picks the note up.

Frank: Mother, are you alright.

Mrs. Arthur: Oh stop with this nonsense, do I look alright to you? Now help me get back up.

Bill: Reads “...All my wealth will be given to...” and it ends

Mrs. Arthur: What in the world.

Bill: It ends, it ends...

Franks comes forward and pulls the paper out of Bill's hand easily. Bill walks the front corner of the stage and starts pacing back and forth fast. Frank reads out from the piece of paper.

Frank: “I am particularly fond of sunsets, and on this sunset, I, Jacob Arthur want to ensure that when I leave this world, all my wealth will be given to...” and it does end. Mother, is this...is this Grandfather's will?

Mrs. Arthur: Straightens up using the table for support I never knew he had one...

Frank: It looks like he does, if only we knew who he gave all his wealth too.

Gayle’s ghost suddenly speaks.

Gayle’s ghost: I once worked at the Registry Office for Wills. They had copies of every will that was ever registered there. There, that will looks like a registered will to me.

Bill: How would you know it’s registered?

Gayle’s Ghost: There would be a watermark

Gayle’s ghost stands up, walks to Frank, and takes the piece of paper from his hand. Mrs. Arthur, Bill, and Frank gather around her as she holds the paper to the candlelight and searches for the watermark. Freddie and Erica join them and stare at the piece of paper as well.

Mrs. Arthur: I don’t see a watermark…

Freddie: Maybe it dried...

A two second pause.

Gayle’s ghost: Slowly I see it. It’s here. Points at a point on the paper.

Frank: Does this mean, this will was registered, possibly, at the registry office you used to work at?

Gayle’s ghost: Not possible, probably. Our office is the only one for miles who uses a watermark like this. They might have a copy of this.

Bill walks forward and stares into space, before turning around.

Bill: Then we go to the office.

Gayle’s ghost: To the office? It hasn’t been used for years! They’ve probably demolished it.

Erica: They do transfer the wills, don’t they?

Gayle’s ghost: They do, if the work boys are feeling helpful.

Mrs. Arthur: Didn’t you say you used to work there? What happened?

Gayle’s ghost: I quit, for my health. The doctor told me to keep away from anything I got stressed over. Only thing was, he didn’t foresee a Frederick Blacksblood. Glares at Freddie.

Erica: Nobody did. Now, Mrs. Arthur, Dad, I want you two to get some sleep. We can look for the will tomorrow.

Mrs. Arthur: How would I know he isn’t going to look for it first?

Bill: And how would I know she wouldn’t go looking for it before me?

Gayle’s Ghost: Because both of you don’t know where to look.

Mrs. Arthur and Bill nod their heads with understanding. Bill storms out of the scene. Mrs. Arthur stands upright with her head high and makes to go out of the door.

Mrs. Arthur: Frank?

Frank: You go first, mother. I have something I need to say to Erica.

Erica crosses her arms and looks the other way. Freddie takes Mrs. Arthur’s coat and helps her into it, before kissing her hand and opening the door for her.

Freddie: Good night to you, Mademoiselle.

Mrs. Arthur: Thank you dear. Pats Freddie’s cheek.

Mrs. Arthur leaves the scene. Gayle’s ghost rubs her eyes sleepily and silently goes out of the other end. Freddie goes to the window to continue watching what is going on outside. Erica speaks stiffly.

Erica: What did you want to say, Mr. Frank Arthur?

Frank: Why so formal? Steps closer to her.

Erica turns around and tenses up, and then relaxes slowly, sighing.

Erica: I don’t know.

They stay silent for a while. Freddie breaks the silent with a loud shout out the window.

Freddie: THERE YOU GO!

Erica and Frank: Angrily Freddie?

Freddie turns around.

Freddie: Martin scored!

Erica: Surprise What?

Erica rushes to the window next to Freddie and looks outside, almost falling out of the window with enthusiasm. Frank sighs and walks towards Erica, grabbing her by the elbow and spinning her around.

Erica: What was that for?

Frank releases her elbow and stands still, awkwardly. Erica stares at his face. Loud shouts and victory cheers come from out the window, Freddie yells triumphly.

Freddie: I LOVE YOU, MAN!

Frank grabs Erica by the waist and kisses her full on the lips. They stay that way even after the cheers and cries subside. Freddie looks away from the window to see them kissing right in front of him and he jerks backwards, startled. He relaxes and watches them for two seconds, and then moves to the table and blows out the candles. He leaves the stage, the scene ends.